Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that helps people improve their relationships by focusing on emotions. Whether it’s between partners, family members, or even individuals, EFT works to create a deeper connection and understanding. One of the most important parts of EFT is the “Tango,” which is a set of steps that guide people through difficult emotions. Just like dancing the tango in real life, it requires practice, attention, and careful movement to create harmony.
In this article, we’ll explore the steps of the EFT Tango and explain how each one helps people build stronger, healthier relationships.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Before diving into the Tango, let’s understand what EFT is. Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s. It is based on the idea that human beings are wired to seek close emotional connections, especially in romantic relationships. When these connections are weak or broken, people can feel lonely, scared, or angry. EFT helps people understand these feelings and teaches them how to create stronger bonds with their loved ones.
Now, let’s move to the heart of EFT—the Tango.
The EFT Tango: Steps Toward Healing
The EFT Tango is a process that therapists use to guide couples or individuals through their emotions. The Tango consists of five steps, each carefully leading to the next, just like in a dance. Here’s a breakdown of the steps in simple language:
Step 1: Tune into Emotions
The first step of the EFT Tango is to pay close attention to your emotions. In therapy, the therapist helps you understand what you are feeling right now. Sometimes, it can be hard to put emotions into words, especially when you’re upset. But taking the time to notice your feelings is the first step in healing.
For example, instead of just feeling “mad” at your partner, you might discover that underneath that anger, you’re actually feeling hurt or scared. Recognizing these deeper emotions is key.
Step 2: Identify the Negative Cycle
After tuning into emotions, the therapist helps you figure out the negative pattern, or "cycle," that you and your partner (or you and someone else) are stuck in. This is where things often go wrong. In this step, you identify the actions and reactions that keep the conflict going.
Let’s say when one person gets upset, the other person shuts down and avoids talking. Then the first person feels ignored, and the cycle keeps repeating. By noticing this cycle, you can start to understand how the problem isn’t just one person—it’s the pattern of interaction.
Step 3: Explore Deeper Emotions
Once the cycle is clear, the therapist helps you dig a little deeper. This is where you start to explore the vulnerable feelings that you might not have shown before. For example, instead of just saying, “I’m mad,” you might express something more vulnerable like, “I feel alone,” or “I’m afraid of losing you.”
This step is hard because it means being honest about feelings that can make you feel exposed. But it’s also where the real magic happens. By sharing these deeper emotions, the walls between people can start to come down.
Step 4: Reframe the Problem
In this step, the therapist helps you and your partner understand that the real issue is not one person or the other—it’s the negative cycle itself. This means that instead of blaming each other, you start to see the problem as something both of you are stuck in together.
Think of it like being in a boat that’s leaking. Instead of arguing about who caused the hole, you both need to work together to fix it. This new way of looking at the problem can be a big relief and can help both people feel more like teammates.
Step 5: Create New Responses
The final step of the EFT Tango is about creating new, positive ways to respond to each other. Now that you understand the cycle and have explored deeper feelings, you can start to change the way you interact.
For example, instead of reacting with anger when you feel hurt, you might choose to express your feelings in a calm and open way. This allows the other person to respond with care, instead of getting defensive. Over time, this new pattern becomes the norm, and the negative cycle starts to disappear.
How the EFT Tango Heals Relationships
The EFT Tango is powerful because it helps people understand the emotional needs that are often hidden underneath conflict. It shows that most of the time, arguments are not just about what’s happening on the surface but about deeper fears and needs, like the need to feel loved, secure, and understood.
By following the steps of the EFT Tango, couples can break free from negative cycles and start creating new, healthier ways of connecting. This process helps reduce conflict and builds stronger emotional bonds that last.
EFT for Everyone
Although EFT is often used for couples, it can be helpful for other kinds of relationships, too. Parents and children, siblings, or even friends can benefit from understanding their emotions and improving their communication. EFT can also be used for individuals who want to explore their own emotions and understand their reactions to others. In all these cases, the EFT Tango offers a guide for moving through emotions in a way that leads to healing and growth.
Conclusion
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Tango is a beautiful way to think about how people can move through their emotions and relationships. Just like in a real tango dance, it requires practice, trust, and communication. By following the steps of the EFT Tango—tuning into emotions, identifying negative cycles, exploring deeper feelings, reframing the problem, and creating new responses—people can find a path to healing.
Whether you’re trying to improve your relationship with a partner, a family member, or even yourself, the EFT Tango offers a helpful guide. And just like any dance, the more you practice, the better you’ll get at moving together with understanding and love.
Resource: Attachment Theory In Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, couples, and Families
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