Understanding the Power of Depolarizing Comparisons
Many people, especially those who lean towards perfectionism, tend to think in extremes—everything feels like either a total success or an utter failure. It's that all-or-nothing thinking: "If I'm not perfect, I’m a failure." This kind of thinking can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as no matter what they do, it never seems “good enough.” Depolarizing comparisons is a technique that encourages patients to move beyond comparing themselves to the extreme ends of the spectrum—such as the top 1%—and instead compare themselves to a range of people at different levels of performance.
The goal is to help shift the focus from the perfectionist's mindset to a more realistic view of themselves and their abilities. Instead of just thinking about how they measure up to the best, we ask patients to consider how they compare to others at different levels: 25%, 50%, 75%, and 100% of a given trait or ability. This shift can help break down the habit of focusing only on the extreme ends, helping people recognize that they are doing better than they give themselves credit for.
An Example of Depolarizing Comparisons in Action
Take, for example, a woman who felt like she was “stupid” because she didn’t do as well on a chemistry exam as she thought she should have. She received a B, but in her mind, this felt like a total failure compared to others who received an A. She immediately thought, “I’m not smart enough. I’ll never succeed.”
Her therapist introduced her to the idea of depolarizing her comparisons, suggesting that she think not just about the top performer (in this case, the person who got the A), but also about the people in the middle and lower ranges. Her therapist asked her to think about how her grade compared to the entire class. It turned out that most students had a C, and she was in the 80th percentile. By seeing that she did better than most of her classmates, she began to realize that her belief that she was "stupid" was simply not true. She wasn’t at the bottom, but instead, she was well above average.
Why Depolarizing Comparisons Work
The value of this technique is that it opens up a broader perspective for patients. By comparing themselves to people at different levels, they start to understand that they don’t need to be perfect to be successful. It's about seeing yourself on a spectrum, not just at the extremes. This helps patients appreciate their actual achievements and move away from the unrealistic standards they often set for themselves.
For instance, a foreman in a factory might criticize himself for not being a good writer, even though his job doesn’t require writing skills. Upon examining the facts, it became clear that he was below average in writing, but this wasn’t something that actually hindered his overall success. By reframing this belief—seeing writing as a preference, not a requirement—he was able to focus on his strengths, such as his leadership and problem-solving skills.
How Psychotherapy Can Help
In therapy, the technique of depolarizing comparisons can be transformative. A therapist can guide a patient through these evaluations, helping them see the bigger picture of their abilities and accomplishments. Rather than getting stuck in the trap of comparing themselves only to the best, patients can learn to appreciate their own progress and abilities in a more balanced and kind way.
Therapists often introduce this technique gradually, starting with small shifts in perspective. For example, patients might be asked to compare themselves to others not just at the top but across a variety of performance levels. This helps reduce self-critical thoughts and encourages more realistic self-assessment. Over time, patients may begin to internalize this more balanced way of thinking, which can have a significant impact on their overall self-esteem and mental health.
Practical Steps for Depolarizing Comparisons
If you're struggling with all-or-nothing thinking, here’s how you can try depolarizing your comparisons:
Identify the area you're being self-critical about. Whether it's your intelligence, appearance, or career, pinpoint the quality you’re struggling with.
Map out the range of possibilities. Using a scale from 0% to 100%, identify where you fall. For instance, if you're thinking about your career success, where would you place yourself compared to someone who has achieved little (0%), someone who has moderate success (50%), and someone who's highly successful (100%)?
Reframe your perspective. Instead of only comparing yourself to the top, think about where you are in the middle or lower ranges. You might surprise yourself by realizing that you're doing better than you thought. Often, people in the middle are just as successful in their own way and have other valuable qualities that contribute to their overall worth.
Reflect on your feelings. How does comparing yourself to a broader range of people make you feel? Are you feeling less pressure? Are you more accepting of your current level of achievement?
An Example of Depolarizing Comparisons
Let's say you’re struggling with feelings of failure because you haven't reached the highest levels in your career. By using the depolarizing comparison approach, you might see that you are doing better than many others, but not necessarily in the top 10%. Here's how this could look:
Quality I'm Criticizing | Comparison at Different Percentiles |
Career success | 0% - People who are unemployed, struggling to find work. |
25% - People who have a steady job but aren’t progressing. | |
50% - People with a solid career but not at the top of their field. | |
75% - People with good advancement opportunities. | |
100% - People at the very top, CEOs, or industry leaders. |
You might realize that compared to those at the 0% and 25% levels, you’re doing significantly better. And even if you're not at the top, you're still ahead of many others, which gives you a more realistic view of your achievements.
Conclusion: Embracing a Balanced View of Yourself
Depolarizing comparisons is a simple yet powerful technique that can help you shift from all-or-nothing thinking to a more balanced and compassionate view of yourself. By considering where you stand across a range of abilities or traits, you can appreciate your unique strengths and accomplishments, rather than focusing only on where you fall short. With the support of psychotherapy, this exercise can help you break free from perfectionistic thinking and develop a healthier, more realistic view of yourself and your life.
References
Cognitive Therapy Techniques
Pages 350 - 359
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