By: Jessica Sukhu
Life can be tricky, right? It's full of twists, turns, and plenty of moments that leave us feeling uncomfortable. But what if there was a way to navigate through life's ups and downs without constantly fighting against them? That's where the idea of acceptance comes in, and it turns out that accepting life’s challenges can actually lead to a more fulfilling and peaceful existence. In this blog, we will be diving into the concept of acceptance, how avoiding uncomfortable feelings only leads to more suffering, and how embracing the full spectrum of our emotional experiences can help us live a richer, more value-driven life.
The Tug-of-War with Ourselves
Take a moment and think about something that irritates you—something you wish would just disappear. Maybe it's a bad habit, or a messy situation at home. Now take for example Diana who shares a personal experience about her husband’s 2001 Subaru. Despite its peeling paint and overall unattractiveness, he’s perfectly fine with. Diana, on the other hand, spends her time internally complaining, which only intensifies her frustration. The more she fights against the Subaru, the more it annoys her.
This situation highlights a key lesson: resisting and rejecting our inner experiences can amplify psychological suffering. And this is the essence of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)—a therapy focused on acceptance. It’s not about liking or approving of everything that happens to us, but rather about embracing and accepting life’s inevitable discomforts. Instead of getting stuck in a battle with ourselves, we’re encouraged to drop the rope in the internal tug-of-war and focus our energy on what truly matters.
Experiential Avoidance: The Cycle of Suffering
Now, let’s talk about avoidance. It’s natural to want to escape discomfort, right? If you’re cold, you find shelter. If something scares you, you avoid it. This survival mechanism works wonders when it comes to physical danger. But when it comes to emotional pain, avoiding it can create a vicious cycle of suffering. Here’s the kicker—avoiding psychological pain might provide short-term relief, but it only intensifies the very things we’re trying to avoid. And guess what? It consumes our mental and emotional energy, leaving little room for things that actually matter to us.
This idea of experiential avoidance is like being stuck in a roundabout—going in circles, not getting anywhere. Whether it’s procrastination due to anxiety, avoiding social situations because of embarrassment, or using substances to numb pain, avoidance strategies keep us trapped in repetitive cycles of unhelpful behavior.
Take, for example, someone who procrastinates on a work assignment out of anxiety. The longer they avoid the task, the more anxious they become, leading to further procrastination. Or consider someone who avoids speaking up in social settings due to fear of judgment—this only reinforces feelings of insecurity, creating a loop of low confidence. These "stuck loops" block opportunities for growth and further entrench us in mental health challenges.
The Gift of Acceptance
So, how do we break free from these stuck loops? The answer lies in acceptance—embracing the full range of our emotional experiences without judgment. This involves being willing to experience discomfort as part of life, rather than fighting against it. By accepting painful emotions, we give ourselves permission to experience life more fully. Instead of shying away from unpleasant feelings, we move toward them with openness and flexibility.
Acceptance doesn’t mean resigning yourself to a miserable situation or passively giving up. It’s about recognizing that life isn’t always going to go according to plan, and that’s okay. By accepting that some emotions, thoughts, and experiences are just part of being human, we free ourselves to engage more fully with life, regardless of the discomforts that might come our way.
Think about it this way: imagine if you could respond to uncomfortable feelings with curiosity rather than fear. Imagine being able to look at your anxieties, sadness, or anger as part of the human experience, not as obstacles to your happiness. This shift in perspective can bring gifts such as peace, understanding, and deeper meaning.
Acceptance in Action: Overcoming Avoidance
Throughout the week, the focus is on noticing when we engage in avoidance and redirecting ourselves toward acceptance. We all have our go-to avoidance strategies—maybe we grab our phones when we’re bored, indulge in unhealthy food when we’re stressed, or distract ourselves with endless entertainment. While these behaviors can offer temporary relief, they come with costs. They pull us away from the things that truly matter, like our relationships, our goals, and our values.
Diana’s example of binge eating or binge drinking to avoid emotional discomfort is a perfect illustration. In these cases, avoidance may feel good in the moment, but it ultimately deepens the problem, pulling individuals further away from their goals. This is why it’s crucial to become aware of these avoidance patterns and actively choose to redirect our attention to what we value most.
One practical exercise involves identifying and naming our avoidance patterns. Diana suggests calling out our avoidance behaviors for what they are, like “This is Diana in an avoidance roundabout of overscheduling” or “This is Debbie in an avoidance roundabout of distracting myself with my phone.” By naming the roundabout, we can step outside of it and begin to make more intentional choices.
"Just Be Happy" – The Struggle of Hiding Our True Emotions
We’ve all been there. Someone asks, “How are you?” and we reply with a quick “Good,” even when we’re not. Over time, society teaches us to hide or suppress our true emotions, labeling certain feelings as undesirable or signs of weakness. Messages like "just be happy," or "keep it together," lead us to control our inner experiences instead of accepting them. As we grow, we learn to conform to these societal expectations, often pushing aside what really matters to us.
Debbie, a psychologist, shares how she struggled with expressing anger, seeing it as unacceptable. She realized that avoiding certain emotions, like anger, kept her from fully experiencing her feelings and connecting with herself.
Our emotions—thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensations—are part of what makes us human. The acronym TEAMS (Thoughts, Emotions, Action tendencies, Memories, and Sensations) helps us understand our inner experiences. The challenge lies in recognizing which of these we’ve been taught to suppress and how it impacts our emotional well-being.
The key is to notice when we're avoiding uncomfortable emotions and instead, allow ourselves to fully feel them. This practice leads to deeper self-acceptance and freedom.
Thoughts such as judgments, rules, plans, or worries
Emotions such as fear, excitement, love, or embarrassment
Action tendencies such as urges, longings, or cravings
Memories such as past events or interactions
Sensations such as physical pain, comfort, or pleasure
The Fixing Trap: Letting Go of Perfectionism
We all have that inner desire to “fix” things when they’re not right. It’s an instinct to make things better when life feels imperfect. However, this instinct can backfire. For instance, when we’re frustrated with ourselves or a situation, we often try to “fix” things by striving for perfection—whether it’s working on our appearance, improving our career, or pushing ourselves too hard in an attempt to feel better.
Diana shares how she often falls into the trap of trying to fix everything when she’s stressed, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction. Trying to “fix” ourselves can be a form of self-aggression, especially when we believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. In these moments, it’s important to ask ourselves: Do we really need to fix this, or can we simply accept it as part of our experience?
Instead of constantly seeking perfection, we’re encouraged to observe our emotions and experiences with the same appreciation as we would for a sunset—beautiful and fleeting, not a problem to solve. This shift can help us break free from the pressure of self-improvement and create space for self-compassion.
Final Thoughts
In the end, the key takeaway is simple: Acceptance isn’t just a therapeutic tool—it’s a way of life. When we stop fighting against our emotions and begin to embrace them as part of the human experience, we unlock a sense of freedom. This shift from resistance to acceptance allows us to live in alignment with our values, prioritize what matters, and experience life more fully. So, the next time you find yourself stuck in a cycle of avoidance or “fixing,” remember that acceptance can be the key to breaking free and living a richer, more meaningful life.
References
Resource: 'ACT Journal' By: Diana Hill, PhD & Debbie Sorensen, PhD
Pages: 98-109
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