In any long-term relationship, there are moments when conflicts arise, causing partners to feel disconnected, hurt, or misunderstood. When this happens, it can be easy to fall into destructive communication patterns that only escalate the tension. These patterns, which the author and therapist Susan Johnson refers to as “Demon Dialogues,” often feel like an unavoidable cycle of blame and emotional pain. However, understanding these patterns and learning how to break them can help couples restore trust and intimacy. In this blog post, we will explore what Demon Dialogues are, how they develop, and most importantly, how you can identify and disrupt these destructive cycles to cultivate a healthier, more supportive relationship.
What Are Demon Dialogues?
A “Demon Dialogue” refers to negative interaction patterns in relationships that happen when partners feel disconnected, unsafe, or emotionally distant from each other. These patterns often arise when one or both partners feel vulnerable or hurt, but instead of expressing their emotions in a constructive way, they engage in behaviors that amplify the conflict and create further disconnection.
Susan Johnson identifies three primary types of Demon Dialogues:
Find the Bad Guy
Protest Polka
Freeze and Flee
These patterns, while distinct, are interconnected. They can start with simple misunderstandings or small emotional triggers but quickly escalate into deep, ongoing cycles of emotional pain, distrust, and disconnection. Understanding these patterns and how they play out in your relationship is the first step toward breaking free from them.
The Three Demon Dialogues
1. Find the Bad Guy: The Blame Game
The "Find the Bad Guy" dance is perhaps the most immediate and obvious form of the Demon Dialogue. It starts when one partner feels hurt or vulnerable, and instead of expressing those emotions, they engage in a cycle of blame. This pattern is a defense mechanism: both partners begin attacking each other, hoping to shift the blame and avoid looking at their own actions. This mutual blame creates an emotional tug-of-war, leaving both individuals feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and even more disconnected.
For example, consider a couple where one partner expresses frustration or discomfort about something, but instead of calmly discussing the issue, the other partner retaliates by saying something dismissive or attacking. This leads to more accusations, more hurt feelings, and eventually a complete breakdown in communication.
In this cycle, the goal isn’t to understand or support the other person—it’s simply to prove that the other is the problem. As a result, neither person feels heard, and the relationship feels unsafe. When the emotional vulnerability is met with criticism and defensiveness, trust erodes, and the connection weakens.
2. Protest Polka: Criticize and Withdraw
The second form of the Demon Dialogue is called the Protest Polka, which is often referred to as the “Demand-Withdraw” dance. This is a more subtle, yet equally damaging, cycle. One partner may criticize or demand something from the other, and instead of responding to the criticism, the other partner withdraws emotionally, either by shutting down or distancing themselves. This withdrawal can lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment, which only fuels the criticizer’s need to protest more.
In this pattern, the partner who is criticized feels overwhelmed, pressured, or attacked, leading them to retreat emotionally. The one who is doing the criticizing feels ignored or unimportant and becomes more demanding or resentful. This back-and-forth creates a loop where neither person feels safe enough to engage emotionally, and both are left feeling unfulfilled and distant.
An example of the Protest Polka might look like this: One partner might express a desire for more emotional connection or intimacy, and the other, feeling overwhelmed, withdraws or becomes defensive. This causes the first partner to demand more attention or support, which only pushes the second partner further away, thus escalating the cycle.
This pattern can go on for years, with each partner stuck in their roles of either criticizer or withdrawer, unable to break free from the loop.
3. Freeze and Flee: The Emotional Shutdown
The third form of the Demon Dialogue is the Freeze and Flee pattern, which typically occurs after the Protest Polka has been going on for some time. This pattern is characterized by emotional shutdown and withdrawal. After both partners have been stuck in the previous cycles for too long, they may reach a point of hopelessness. Feeling unable to get through to each other, they stop engaging altogether.
In this pattern, both partners become emotionally numb. They may no longer argue or criticize, but the emotional connection completely dissipates. Both people withdraw entirely, shutting down their feelings to avoid further pain. This is the most dangerous of the Demon Dialogues because it indicates emotional abandonment in the relationship.
In this phase, partners may feel like they are living with a stranger. The lack of emotional engagement or communication is incredibly damaging and can be difficult to reverse. Both partners may feel exhausted and trapped, unsure of how to reconnect or heal the relationship.
The Impact of Demon Dialogues on Relationships
Demon Dialogues are incredibly toxic because they block the ability to communicate openly and vulnerably. The key to a healthy relationship is emotional safety—feeling safe enough to express your needs, desires, fears, and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. When couples get trapped in these cycles of blame, withdrawal, or emotional shutdown, the connection that once existed starts to erode. Trust is lost, and resentment builds.
In some cases, these negative patterns are temporary and can be worked through with conscious effort. However, for many couples, these patterns become habitual. Over time, the cycle can become so ingrained that it feels like a permanent part of the relationship. If left unchecked, this can lead to long-term unhappiness, alienation, and even separation.
Breaking Free from the Demon Dialogues
The first step in breaking free from Demon Dialogues is recognizing the patterns in your own relationship. Understanding the destructive cycle is crucial because it allows you to take a step back and focus on the underlying emotions driving the conflict.
Here are some key steps to break these cycles:
Recognize the Pattern: Pay attention to when you and your partner get caught in these cycles. Notice the triggers—are they related to feeling unsupported, misunderstood, or emotionally vulnerable? Acknowledge that the cycle itself is the enemy, not your partner.
Slow Down the Interaction: When you feel the tension building, take a moment to pause. Take deep breaths, and give each other space to process your emotions. Avoid the instinct to attack, criticize, or withdraw immediately.
Express Vulnerability: Instead of attacking or withdrawing, try expressing your emotional needs in a vulnerable, non-confrontational way. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling hurt right now because I need more support,” instead of accusing your partner of being unsupportive.
Create a Safe Space for Conversation: Both partners need to commit to creating an emotionally safe environment. This means listening actively, without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Show empathy and understanding for each other’s feelings.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, breaking free from these patterns is difficult on your own. A trained therapist, especially one experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help couples recognize and break these destructive cycles.
Conclusion
Relationships are complex, and conflicts are inevitable. However, when couples fall into Demon Dialogues—whether through blame, withdrawal, or emotional shutdown—they risk creating a deep chasm that can be difficult to bridge. By recognizing these patterns and learning how to respond differently, couples can break free from these destructive cycles and begin to rebuild a stronger, more connected relationship. The key is not to win the fight, but to build emotional safety and trust, fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and emotions. Through this process, couples can move toward healing, reconnection, and a more fulfilling partnership.
Resources: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Pages: 50 - 56
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