By: Jessica Sukhu
In relationships, moments of hurt can feel overwhelming, especially when emotional support is desperately needed but not provided. These incidents can linger, affecting the relationship long after the event has passed. But how do we heal from these wounds? Can forgiveness truly repair the damage done by a single, seemingly minor event? In this post, we explore the profound impact of what are known as "relationship traumas" and the vital role forgiveness plays in moving forward together.
The Silent Weight of Unresolved Pain
Forgiveness is often considered a noble and necessary part of any relationship, but its true power is only felt when someone has experienced an injury so deep that it challenges their sense of love and trust. In therapy, there’s a pattern that often emerges: a couple makes significant strides in their relationship, but then, unexpectedly, one partner brings up a past incident, something seemingly small, and the emotional atmosphere shifts dramatically.
Real Life Example:
For Conrad and Helen, this happened during a therapy session when Helen, with a mixture of sadness and detachment, revisited a painful memory from three years ago.
Helen recalled sitting on the stairs, hearing the words that her doctor suspected she had breast cancer—a diagnosis that haunted her because of her family history. In her vulnerable state, she turned to Conrad for emotional support. Instead, he brushed past her, offering a cold and dismissive response. His failure to provide comfort left her feeling abandoned in a moment of extreme emotional need. Though the fear of cancer never came to fruition, the hurt Helen felt that day had lingered, silently poisoning their relationship. Even now, when Conrad tried to reach for her emotionally, she recoiled. This moment, though small in the grand scheme, had become a defining trauma in their marriage.
Why Small Events Have Big Fallout
It’s easy to dismiss these moments as “minor issues,” but the emotional impact of such incidents can be much deeper. According to Judith Herman, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School, relationship traumas—moments when someone we love fails to provide support during times of crisis—are particularly damaging. These wounds can flip our entire world upside down, leaving us questioning not only the event itself but the stability of our relationship.
When someone we rely on isn’t there for us in our darkest moment, it shakes our belief in love and security. Such an incident doesn’t just "hurt our feelings"—it can upend our sense of safety and trust, two cornerstones of any healthy relationship. The power of these moments lies in the emotional questions they leave unanswered:
"Are you there for me when I need you the most?"
"Do you care about my pain?"
If those questions go unanswered, they can erode the foundation of the relationship.
The Never Again Moment
In relationships, when one partner feels emotionally abandoned, it often triggers a “Never Again” moment. This moment represents the decision to no longer open up emotionally, to stop risking vulnerability because of the pain of past experiences. This response isn’t conscious—it’s a protective mechanism against future hurt. In Helen’s case, the pain from the incident on the stairs led to her emotional withdrawal from Conrad. She no longer trusted him to be there when she needed him, and no amount of progress in therapy could erase that fundamental breach in their connection.
These types of emotional injuries don’t just go away with time. They require confrontation and healing—something that is often easier said than done. The longer these injuries are left unresolved, the more difficult it becomes to reconnect emotionally, as fear and distrust grow.
The Importance of Forgiveness and Healing Conversations
Forgiveness, as discussed by social scientists, is often viewed as a moral decision—letting go of resentment and absolving someone for their wrongdoings. However, simply deciding to forgive doesn’t heal the emotional wounds in a relationship. What couples need is a more profound conversation—one that not only allows for forgiveness but also nurtures the possibility of rebuilding trust.
Through therapeutic work, it’s been found that these "Forgiving Injuries" conversations are crucial. For forgiveness to work, the couple must first create a safe space where the emotional pain can be acknowledged. This doesn’t mean pretending the hurt wasn’t significant or minimizing the feelings involved. Partners need to ask questions, listen deeply, and uncover the true meaning behind the incident. By doing so, they can uncover the vulnerability that made the hurt so intense.
Take the example of Francine and Joseph. Though Joseph’s affair had caused great pain, it wasn’t the affair itself that caused the most damage—it was his emotional abandonment during the aftermath. When he blamed her for his actions and failed to comfort her, Francine was left feeling invisible, as if she didn’t matter at her most vulnerable. Understanding this hurt—rather than just the affair—became the key to their healing process.
The Impact of Multiple Traumas
Sometimes, relationship traumas aren’t isolated events but a series of small, cumulative hurts. A partner may feel repeatedly unsupported or unloved during critical moments, which can add up over time, making it harder to move past each new injury. For example, Susan and Larry’s relationship had been deeply affected by years of emotional neglect. Larry’s failure to support Susan during a particularly difficult time—a moment when she was overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood—became a defining trauma for her. Even years later, when Larry wanted to rekindle their connection, Susan was unable to trust him fully because the wound had never been addressed.
Multiple traumas make forgiveness and healing even more challenging. But just like a single wound, these accumulated hurts can only be healed through open, honest, and empathetic conversations. The key is not to ignore the past but to confront it together, addressing each incident’s emotional impact on both partners.
Six Steps to Forgiveness
The Six Steps to Forgiveness is designed to guide both partners through an emotional journey of understanding, expressing pain, taking ownership of the hurt, and ultimately moving toward healing and a renewed sense of trust.
Here's a summary of the six steps:
The Wounded Partner Shares the Pain: The hurt partner expresses their emotional experience and the specific pain caused by the injury. This step focuses on describing the hurt, the emotional impact, and how it has affected their sense of safety and connection with their partner.
The Injuring Partner Acknowledges the Pain: The partner who caused the hurt stays emotionally present and acknowledges the wounded partner’s pain and their own part in it. This acknowledgment is crucial for restoring trust and emotional safety.
Revising the “Never Again” Dictum: Both partners revise their “scripts” and let go of the idea that they can’t recover. The injured partner may express their despair, while the injuring partner conveys empathy and a commitment to change.
Ownership and Remorse: The injuring partner takes full ownership of their actions, offering an apology that demonstrates true remorse. This is not a surface-level apology, but one that acknowledges the hurt caused and expresses a desire to make amends.
A Hold Me Tight Conversation: The couple then engages in a healing conversation, with the wounded partner identifying what they need now to heal. The injuring partner responds with reassurance and an intention to meet these needs in the future.
Creating a New Story: Finally, the couple works together to create a new narrative that integrates the injury, the healing process, and the lessons learned. They may establish rituals or agreements to prevent further injury and ensure the continued rebuilding of trust and connection.
This framework emphasizes empathy, emotional presence, and mutual understanding as critical elements in healing relational wounds. It's not an easy or quick process, but when done with intention and care, it can lead to deep healing and a stronger emotional bond.
Moving Forward: Rebuilding Trust and Connection
The ultimate goal in the process of forgiveness is not just to absolve each other but to rebuild the trust that was damaged. This requires vulnerability, courage, and a willingness to truly see each other’s pain. In Conrad and Helen’s case, Conrad had to acknowledge his failure to be emotionally present and express the shame he had been hiding. Only then could they begin to heal.
Forgiveness, in this context, becomes a joint effort—one that involves deep listening, understanding, and the commitment to never again let each other down in such critical moments.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness isn’t always an easy or immediate process, especially when the hurt feels deeply personal. However, it’s through these difficult conversations—where partners truly listen, empathize, and rebuild trust—that a relationship can heal from even the most significant wounds. The key is to treat these hurts seriously, not as trivialities, and to give each other the emotional support and understanding that was missed in the past.
While the road to healing may be long and challenging, it’s through forgiveness and open communication that couples can transform their relationship traumas into opportunities for deeper connection. By doing the hard work of confronting these painful moments together, couples can emerge stronger, with a renewed sense of trust and a deeper, more resilient bond.
References
Resource: 'Hold Me Tight' By: Dr. Sue Johnson
Pages: 121-131